Five Percent

I am a caring, compassionate, committed leader.

Or so my contract says.

It seems like lately the only thing I should be is committed.

I often times feel lost, without direction.  Everywhere I turn, I see a door close without another one opening.

That’s the power of the five percent.

Personal and business hopes and dreams that I thought had a solid foundation fold like a house of cards.

95% of an amazing day is overcome by 5% fear.

Forget Everything And Run

And I have spent a lifetime running. Fight or Flight?  Really?  It’s never actually been a real question for me.

Things began to change about a year and a half ago with a harmless little bible study class named “Sex Lies and No Videotape… The Story of Genesis” (yea, I know… killer title).  At about the same time I met a woman who literally turned my life inside out and upside down.  Months later we started a new company based on a shared vision of leading a Vibrant Life, then a second one, then a third… and only recently, a new life together.  I took my first communion 55 weeks ago, , taught Vacation Bible School, was baptized late last year, and accepted Christ as my Savior.  A completed (but still wandering) Jew. I moved out of the house I called a home for a dozen years last summer, lost all contact with my younger son, got divorced, moved into new offices last January, a new condo in June, a different house in December, and moved offices twice.  And I’ve fallen hard for three beautiful nine year olds…

Yea, that is a lot of change…  Didn’t quite feel like that much stuff when I was going through it, but re-reading that list… WOW.

And now I often feel like I can’t feel the ground beneath my feet.  Things that I saw so clearly yesterday are mere mirages today.  Decisions that took months to make are overturned in a minute.  The tiny little bit of control that I clung onto disappeared.  Even my new-found faith is being tested… and tested hard.

That’s the power of the five percent.

A dear friend told me that I was a really good prize for the devil.  For 48 years, I never gave Satan a thought.  But now, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8).  I feel like Lion Chow, with a big Rib-eye steak necklace and antelope gym shoes.  A walking (sometimes running) target.  But when you don’t see the ground, when you can’t always believe what you see in front of you… “faith” is a tough thing.  Especially for someone so new to the team.  God and I talk a lot, I pray daily, double-up on church on Sunday (I like to hear stuff twice!), get involved with my faith family often, and read the bible to the triplets.

Yet that five percent continues to loom big in my rear-view mirror and even larger out the front windshield of my life.  This has been my lifetime struggle.  Left brain vs. right brain.  Logic vs random. Sequential vs. intuitive.  Rational vs. holistic.  Analytical vs. synthesizing.  Objective vs. subjective.  Looks at parts vs. looks at wholes.

The ninety five percent gets the left brain side of the argument.  I am truly blessed in my life.  I have a job that pays the bills and gives me extra to do fun stuff.  I have clients that like and respect me.  I have friends that care for me, that worry when I fall off the radar screen.  I have been through a transformation that has put me in a place I never thought I could reach.  And most of all, I have a future with a woman I love deeply.

And then the right brain starts to work….  and once subjective kicks in… oy.  For most people, “Worst” always feels heavier than “Best” does.  So even with pretty amazing things in my life, I concentrate on fear, worry, guilt, shame, anger, and resentment.  That’s one ugly six-pack.

That’s the power of the five percent.

My intent is not to get rid of the 5%, but to restrict it’s power to one nineteenth the power of the 95% that is awesome.  This is not an immediate process, it took my whole life to get me here, it isn’t a 20 minute trip to the gym to undo all crap.  But the amount of time is not a concern… because

That WILL be the power of the five percent.